My IQ is 123 via www.tumblriq.com

My I.Q. is 116 via www.tumblriq.com

So I placed my heart under lock and key…

…to take some time, and take care of me.

Again, here I am having gone far too long without a post. SO much has actually happened since my last entry. I guess I will start with Graduation. Nice little gathering to acknowledge our accomplishments. Unfortunately, not much attention was paid to the cosmetology or hair graduates. It was really about the Esthiology people. Not a kind word from one of our folks. No speech from our instructors. To top all of that, I didnt win the photo shoot. I was not a happy camper for myself, but I was very happy for my friend who did win. She did good work and her model was fantastic. It was nice to have both of my parents there, though really, the fact that I was not quite done yet did take away from the whole experience. It wasnt like a completion, it wasnt like a reunion. It was just a little thing.

Then there’s the dating life. Such an up and down of good, bad, analysis, and critical thinking. I dont even know where to start. I also know that someone will read this and probably have something to say, make me feel bad about venting like I would to my best friend or my personal journal that isnt in the public eye. I dont fucking care. I wish I had some closure on some things, I wish I could know where others are going. These are both things I can seek out, repair, and seal. Finding the time and energy is one of the hardest parts, another is finding the words. What do you say to someone you KNOW you cant be with? What do you say to someone you arent sure if you can or not? What do you say to someone you have only known a short time that you are pretty sure you want nothing more than TO BE with them. I hate dating, I hate “interviewing”. I just wish people could let go, not over analyze, and say how they feel(once they have allowed themselves to feel what they TRULY feel). We are all so afraid of hurting someone because people are selfish in the fact that they dont want to hear what they dont want. They take it personal when they are told you dont find them compatible. They place blame on you, others, etc and talk shit. Its ridiculous. I am not saying I am not guilty of any of these things, but I am saying that even I would like to be better. I would also like to be better about keeping in contact with people that have crossed my path in my life. I feel like too many people dont know how much I care for them. Love them even. This would normally lead into the “My definitions of love” rant, but I dont care to get into that now. Simply, I love everyone I allow into my life. No, not IN LOVE, just love. All you need is love.

THen there’s Pride weekend. That, friends, was an amzing time. I got to go out, drink, dance, and have so much fun with so many wonderful people. Saturday night was insane with TOO much to drink. Lots of dancing though and some great friends. Sunday was hangover day that was cured only by more liquor. FOllowed by some great company on the water, a few run ins with long lost somebodies, and some great music. After that was the block party which was phenomenal as usual. I really wish events like that would happen more often. Once a year really isnt enough. But then again, would they be as much fun if we got 3 per year? Probably not was well attended at the very least.

Back to school today. Had a 12 hour day planned when I got a call early in the evening and had to run to take care of a family emergency. out of the ER around midnight. Not a very exciting night, but certainly a bit stressful. Finishing out this week is going to be hard already, and it’s just begun.

I don’t know why I’m scared, I’ve been here before…

Need to get some of this out…. It’s been far too long since I could just let my fingers fly across the keys and babble.

I had a great 4 day weekend last weekend. Visited the grandparents, had a great roadtrip, got some good rest.

School is going well. I am so close to being done. 5 weeks doesnt sound like much. Especially after having already done 9 months. However, those 5 weeks that are left are going to be 50+ hour weeks so I can get out on MY scheduled day. Business wise, its been great. They keep me busy, client after client mostly. Yesterday was the slowest Saturday I have seen there. EVER. So boring. Luckily it was followed by a great night out with 3 of my very favorite people. Its always cool to combine friend groups and see what happens too.

I have been seeing someone for about a week now. Nothing is official, nor is anything sexual. I am just way too analytical at times and when it comes to dating and finding someone to spend my life with, I want it all to be completely right. I am no longer settling for less than what I want and deserve. Anytime something seems amiss, I criticize the shit out of it until I am satisfied that the right decision is being made. I also know that I said that I was tired of being single and playing the game, but at the same time I would rather be that than in something that isnt right. I like not having to answer to anybody right now. I am free to do what I want when I want. With summer, graduation, birthday all coming, that’s a good thing.  I just wish I knew what the future held. I also wish I was better at this whole dating thing. I would like to go out with a few people, find connections, try things out. No, not sleep with everyone. Sleeping with none more like it. But last time I tried the real dating thing, it kinda blew up in my face….

Anyway, I really need to do this more because I feel like so much has happened that I cant seem to get out right now cuz it still hasnt processed…

Don’t be insecure if your heart is pure…

Today was pretty fantastic even if I was pretty much exhausted. I passed my final written test at school. Now the only 2 things I have left are practical exams and the Oregon Law test. Had a few really great clients, then met up with with my best friend(brother) and newest best friend from school. I love her so much and I hate that we didnt get to know each other until she was almost done(an now is) and leaving the state. :(

Anyway, after yesterdays conversation with “sister”, then todays conversation at lunch with my friend Laura I was feeling really really confident about my plan of action for dealing with a particular dating situation. Then talking to brother and then Sash, I feel even better about it. Laura put it best when she said “Just put yourself out there. Put it on the line.” These words are so perfect. I will continually stew over this and regret it if I dont. So, I will take action very soon to see if I can put some sort of motion into this ocean. I have no reason to be insecure about it because it is my truth. I am a young, fabulous, beautiful human who is deserving of love and truth. If it is meant to be, it will happen. If not, then I can move on knowing that I tried.

School really is my number 1 focus right now and I am so glad to be so close to finishing. I do feel like I am beginning to slip a bit on getting those hours racked up though, so back to doing 12’s tomorrow for one day…. Then I will hit it hard again the following week. I am going to have to pull some Mondays though since we are off next Tuesday and Wednesday. I am the only person who can control this and I know that if I dont meet my goal of completion date I will be so disappointed in me. This may be a lot of pressure to be placing on myself since I have plenty of time to finish what I need to do, but I am READY to work. On that note, I still havent heard back from the manager at the salon that I want to work for. I was pretty confident that they wanted me, but I am starting to wonder. I am going to email her at some point in the next week to see what is happening. I know she is super busy so I can understand, but I dont want to linger on this if it isnt going to happen.

Hoping to have a dinner/coffee thing on Friday, but either way there will be some dancing on Saturday. And if I happen to run into the “target”, then I will be lookin fresh and fly! EAT IT! Then 4 days off. Looking forward to seeing some family while I am off and getting my care spruced up for the summer. Some engine work that needs to be done. Then we will be together for another year or so. :) Now I need to email grams and make sure she has space for me this weekend!

Let me tell ya something….

Life is a bitch! No, in all honesty life is a beautiful thing. It’s full of ups and downs. So with that, let me clarify something both for myself and anyone who *may * be reading this… My post yesterday about this guy and whatnot-I am not sayin I am in love, I am not saying ANYTHING besides that I had one of those weird gut feelings that if this were to happen, I am sure it would be fantastic. Yes, I have thoughtd about it more than enough. Mainly because I am so tired of being alone. I am so tired of playing the game. I am not happy single, but I am also not UNhappy. I just want to find that one person I can share anything and everything with. I am also still going through the growing pains of moving to a new, much large, city where I know almost nobody.

I went to school today, did a lot of bookwork in preparation for my written final tomorrow. I am so close to being done! This is unbeleivable. I only had 1 guest today and we got out at 4 for some reason. As soon as I am done with my test tomorrow, I am done with book work and written work. All that will be left is practical exams and the Oregon Law exam.

After school I went to Vault with my little sister, a friend from school. Another schoolmate joined us. Said schoolmate has been jonesin for some Joe lovin for a little bit now, and finally came out with it to my face today. Then began the awkward conversation of my lack of interest in said person and why. Yes I want to find someone, no not ANYONE will do.

I continually miss my “family” in Eugene. I also think about moving back regularly. However, I NEEEEED to give myself some time to adjust to Portland life. It took me a few years to get myself established and comfortable in Eugene. I am going to give myself another 2.5 years here to see what can be accomplished. Not to mention I am pretty confident with my position at school moving into a position with a sister salon. We will see about that. Hopefully I am not putting all my eggs in one basket. lol.

Memorial Day Weekend 2011

So here I sit reviewing and digesting what has happened this weekend. It has been a pretty incredible one, but caused a slight amount of distress for me. Lets begin:

Saturday was a school day, as usual. At this point I am exhausted and worn out beyond belief. A stiff drink is always a good idea, right? So I go out for a drink with my best friend who may also be referred to as my brother in the future. Anyway, we meet up at Vault fully intending to have a somewhat early night, just a few drinks then home, etc etc. Well, then brother invites his other friend Joe. No problem! Then other Joe invites a few of his friends who are in town from Seattle. Again, no problem! I am all about meeting new people and socializing. This then turns into other Joe saying that he was going to take them out and see the bar scene and we were invited. I was resistant to this only because I was pretty tired, but I figure what the hell and half discuss it with brother. Well, the tab comes and I grab it. It was cheap, as usual, considering Chantel was bartending of course. I believe the brother and other J then went to the restroom or something at which point the rest of us went outside. I ended up deciding then that we were going along with the boys. I ran to the car and dropped off my bag then came back to meet them. We then proceed to go from Vault to Boxxes, then Red Cap, Silverado, walked across the Burnside Bridge to go to Rotture for Blow Pony. Got there and saw the line around the block at which point we turned around, recrossed the BB, and went to CC’s for dancing. Pretty epic night. One of those boys was a hottie too. Is that why I decided to go? Or is it because I genuinely enjoy having fun? A combination of both is probably the correct answer.

Now we are at Sunday. Not a school day so I did get to sleep in. Finally rolled out of bed around 11am. Got online and arranged a meeting with someone. Went over and met a man who I think is probably the most attractive man I have ever met in my life. He is smart, sexy, sweet…. We had a pretty amazing time. Or so I think… Then ran home to freshen up and then back out the door to mee Brother for drinks with Chantel. Yes, again. He had to bounce relatively early this time around due to early morning work obligations. I wasnt quite done, so I sent out some messages hoping others were out and about. Ended up heading down to CC’s to see a friend from school. We hung out for a bit then I ran into my friend Dan whom I met years ago, long story… I ended up hanging out with him for a bit and chatting when up walks his friend…. The same guy I had met earlier in the day. Random! Sexy though…. So we all hung out for a bit then they said they were headed to Silverado and invited me to come along. I decided that I may as well. I was having a great time with a great group of people. So we all went to Silverado, had some more fun and talked and danced. It was so amazing. I was reminded of the dreams and films I have had and seen of these great groups of people who are all amazing individuals and care so much about people in general. I felt so grateful in that moment. We all parted ways late in the evening, only for me to find my way back to earlier meetings home for a snuggle party. Amazing. SO GOOD.

Which brings us to today. Woke up around 10 because magic man had to do some things work related and life related. Headed home. Farted around a bit. No call, no text from anyone for hours. So I got to thinking that it was such a nice day, and there were so many things I could do. Feeling pretty messed up at this point(more on this later) I decided that I needed to do something for me. With me. So I decided that I would head to Multnomah Falls for a wuick day trip. I had never been there in all my life. I love waterfalls, and I love water. It was the perfect PERFECT thing to do. I took my dog and we hiked to the top of the falls. About halfway I started wondering what I was thinking when I decided to do this. THen decided that I wasnt about to quit. I try to always finish the things I start. So we made it to the top. I think Sully was hating me and his life at this point. Thats a huge walk for a little-ish dog. But cresting that hill and seeing all there was to see from the top was so awe-inspiring and so majestic. I am so glad to have had that moment of clarity and reflection. We then made our way back down and headed back into town. Stopped at the store for my first 6er of Twilight for 2011. SO GOOD. Called mom when I got home and we talked for over an hour. So nice to catch up and feel so loved and blessed.

So while all of this is happening, I am so focused on finishing school. So content and exhausted at the same time. Meeting MM(magic man) yesterday really REALLY affected me. I hate when someone comes out of nowhere, throws you for a loop, and then kinda leaves ya hanging. I have heard from him once today. A 2 sentence text message. My emotional state has been so unbalanced and affected. I needed that hike today. I still dont think I am 100%, but I am better. I continue to tell myself that the right person will come along, they will be hopelessly hopeless for me. They will want me for me, the way I am. I am so tired of this dating game. The ups and downs and bullshit and drama. I just want that one person to come along and stay. For good. I may be hopeless, but I am also and idealist AND a realist. Perhaps if I continue to put out that energy, things will manifest and fall into place. I just get so tired. “I am ready, I am ready, I am fine.”

The blog beginning

So here I am with a blog. I feel so behind the times, but I really need to be able to just write and not give a shit what happens to it after that. Cant often do that in conversation. That said, if you dont like or agree with what I say, I dont give a damn. I am also not going to get into this whole “this is all about me and my life up to this point” thing.